#I really dont know how else to explain that automatically assuming someone is doing something out of bad intent especially when theyre

[rosethreeart]

im gonna be honest but your response to being told that your china's features dont look very asian is kind of wild, especially considering op was an asian person. Like, the fact a non-asian creator received criticism by an affected minority and basically told them that they were wrong about how their own ethnic background looks is kind of insane?? Especially when like, they offered advice on how to make it look more accurate. I know that your intentions likely weren't to do that and you were just being defensive because,,,, who isn't when accused of racism, (like i feel you) but I think you need to realise that there's nothing that screams "I don't care what minorities think" more than... effectively telling a POC you know what their people look like more than they do. Really, all it took was being open to criticism, and being willing to play around with his features to see if they could be adjusted (hm,,, maybe make the eyes less centred so they dont look so heavy set, go a little easier on those very obvious eyelids, etc) to look more asian instead of the artistic version of skull measuring (/J) lolol. Anyways thats just my two cents

I might sound a bit incoherent or blunt but I just have a migraine and this day has NOT been good /gen

As I stated before I 100% understand where people were coming from in regards to it and that I don't take the issue of whitewashing/making things eurocentric lightly and that I do take care to make characters look like the ethnicities they belong to.

Sometimes things look wonky! Shit happens!!

Quite frankly I was being defensive but to go ahead and once again assume ill intent and that that defense was some "I know better than you" rhetoric is exactly why I was defensive in the first place.

someone pointed an issue out, I said that I have that noted for future reference and that this was very clearly a one off issue, and that Im also showing that the sketch was poorly positioned but the lower nose bridge is still present and that bad faith and bad intentions should not always be assumed. Honestly this should have really just been a one and done move on situation especially for a sketch I did in less than five minutes.

I'm also just extremely 3-Dimensional in the way in which I think when it comes to the art process which is why I included the drawings not because of some weird "skull measuring" thing (which wouldn't even have made sense in the context anyways and honestly wild to even accuse someone of doing). I just could not word it without writing out an essay or some incomprehensible word vomit. I was just using a tactic commonly found in animation where you use "onion skins" to find the next breakdown/inbetween in the sequence to help show how he would have looked like from a front facing perspective with a neutral facial expression.

I'm not saying that I don't care or that I know more than them, and that is actually pretty close to the opposite of what I said verbatim!

I just felt the need to note that the features I showed are valid features and that simply reducing all people of east asain decent into having the same exact face (or just nose) shape is weird especially considering how much diversity there is. There are a wide variety of features in China and to go ahead and say that only ONE of them is valid and should be depicted is something that SHOULD receive push back not matter any previous context, which is what I was pointing out in the first place.

[weirdmageddon]

can someone explain what “weed paranoia” is?

ive never experienced it, all i experience is like….relaxation, monotropic autism flow state, calms me down enough to not get overstimulated by my own thoughts (i feel more at ease with my thoughts coming and going, i kinda go into free flow thought tunnels without getting hung up or ever spiraling. in fact, the opposite, where it’s like a “catch and release” sort of experience to train of thought most of the time. i mean i’ll still definitely hyperfocusing on something which you could consider getting “hung up” on but thats just normal autism stuff and i feel like i can mine for more deeper insight riches in those hyperfixation tunnels when high.

it also definitely helps me unmask. like my mask is sort of built into my core personality and “self” but i find it hard if not impossible to shut off even when im alone because ive internalized the external social sphere. but THC (i should note im taking Δ9) like…. takes the edge off, and i feel less conflicted about my thoughts? like i’m more confident in getting my thoughts out there without worrying about people judging me for how i phrase things or how hyperspecific im being to my own interests. i feel like i dont have to water things down as much because i dont feel as threatened by judgment externally, and in turn internally

i looked up my question about what “weed paranoia” feels like on reddit and the common answers ive seen were:

generalized anxiety

“everyone knows” / you feel like people are watching or judging you and that youre gonna be in trouble

“You’re very aware of your own actions and existence, and assume everyone else is also.”

heightened self-reflection (for some people this freaks them out??) because different perspective

more vulnerable

but i’m not satisfied with these answers??

i want to know if people who get paranoid have these traits while sober/before getting high. like, is it just non-introspective people getting freaked out because they’re considering their own actions/thoughts and existence? or do introspective people who are used to metacognition also getting freaked out?

are people afraid of confronting their weaknesses that weed makes them aware of? are people who normally hide from truths more likely to get paranoid?

ok so i can only fully know my own mind; that is my reality. i have a habit of assuming people more or less share the same phenomenological experiences in their minds, but since i’m autistic i’ve had to expand this boundary over and over continually reconciling with way more diverging phenomenological experiences than i thought.

so i normally i have thoughts about my own thoughts pretty much at least five times every hour, every single day of the week. i do not experience is not a bad thing, it’s a neutral and even good thing. i think i am insightful by nature and always have been, ive been described as such. i don’t know how normal this is for the average person. weed does enhance these metacognitive thoughts i have to an even higher level, and i feel very, very pulled towards them in a good, flow state way. ive also been told my guarded chilly heart melts a bit and i become more open/vulnerable while stoned but that’s because i don’t feel as vulnerable as i normally do. so i dont hide or clam up as much away from psychological openness or whatever exact shit enneagram type 5 is on

but anyway even without weed i normally feel “outside” of my own thoughts, always judging them from a third person perspective, or even multiple third person perspectives through reframing. so i dont feel like i have a defined or clearly illuminated sense of self. i’m not trying to really “find myself” so much as uncover it. like, it’s definitely there to begin with i can feel its presence, but the specifics are obscured and i’m trying to bring them to light. i automatically isolate logical components from emotional components into their own boxes and rarely acknowledge the emotional box because it’s unhelpful in more circumstances than not so it’s all a pretty clinical process when i make sense of things

because i can do this i’m never afraid of the truth; in fact i actively go in search of it and honestly it feels like THC helps me achieve that on MYSELF and it makes me very satisfied

i also don’t know if what i said is normal. am i comfortable with truths and facing them to an unusual degree over most people, or about the same as them?

i saw this comment and it’s like….. that makes sense with disinhibition of the frontal cortex. i think way too much about the rhetoric and kairos of how im communicating information to others normally, but with these consciously overthinking circuits driving and modifying my social thoughts and behaviors being turned down while stoned, i find i dont care as much. it’s like my conscious autism masking is peeled away, so i feel more content while stoned. and it also makes me more open as a result.

like i said, “i feel more at ease with my thoughts coming and going, i kinda go into free flow thought tunnels without getting hung up or ever spiraling” which is how this guy is describing “going with the flow”

the takeaway is i dont have a negative reaction to when i realize unpleasant things about myself while high. it’s just this neutral acknowledgement. this even goes for physical things that usually tip people off like their heart rate being “too fast” while high. i do perceive it also but theres like no anxiety with it, again just neutral observation and acknowledgement

basically im Actively looking for this

so some questions:

can someone explain what “weed paranoia” is like, taking into account the gist of what ive said? if you experience it do you have any insight into why it happens? does anything ive said have to do with it? do you already have neurotic tendencies (low resistance to stress)?

what does my experience while high + my normal thought processes as ive described them say or imply about me?

why am i experiencing pretty much the polar opposite of the way weed paranoid people are describing anxiety of being judged? or like the thing about my feelings of vulnerability?

am i more comfortable with truths and facing them to an unusual degree than most people, or am i actually about the same as them? am i more introspective/metacognitive than most people, or am i actually about the same as them?

if people who ARE already introspective get high and feel paranoid, why would that happen—wouldnt they be used to uncovering things about themselves? are there other reasons? does one’s sentiment to oneself play into it? neurotic traits?

oomf said “your high is always driven by how capable you are of passively defusing triggers for a bad trip”. the explanation for how well people tolerate THC ive gravitated towards outside of genetics (since my mom doesnt tolerate thc well but i do) is ability to deflect stressful thoughts, or how impacted you are by stressful thoughts in the first place. is this anything?

i hope im describing these things adequately so i can get the answers im looking for lol. please tell me if any of this means anything to you or if its just words

EDIT:

^ to me everything is great and feels significant, but is that because the things that feel significant are themselves good? if weed makes stuff seem more significant (too much dopamine weighs negative inputs too highly), that means it amplifies what’s already there (while also amplifying “noise”). so that tells us about the nature of what is already there in the mind’s contents, then?

so again, question 2: what does my experience while high + my normal thought processes as ive described them say or imply about me?

[freebooter4ever]

Blah blah blah about love under the cut

One thing about daphne and the duke - she says these things, and immediately things magically work out because its TV fantasy land. But...at least in my limited experience...it takes a long time for the nice things to sink in past the bad things. Like it would take the patience of somebody repeating those words across a longer span of time.

There was one thing that startled me with my latest romantic failure - and it had absolutely nothing to do with pilot boy himself.

see, i have never really understood the whole 'bringing someone home to meet the parents' and how big of a deal it was in movies and books. It always baffled me. I never cared what my parents thought of people i dated or wanted to date and the only person i ever brought home was The Ex in 2010 and even then it was less 'do you approve?' and more 'i love him and idgaf about your opinon but i want to show him off'. My poor Ex endured an entire two hour long interrogation by my grandparents and i had to hold his hand the entire time, he was very shy.

BUT now, here in LA, i met my friend over at the artist's house, and that was in 2018 so a number of years ago. And slowly, over the years, i've grown closer and closer with them and their family, and they've kinda been a guide in this city. And there was that one time in 2019 where someone automatically assumed i was their daughter and neither of us corrected the person lol. And i have kind of basically been adopted by their family, even despite my best attempts to keep a respectful distance during like holidays and stuff. But i still go to them first whenever i have problems, and some days i have no idea how i ever lived without them. And everytime i think i have fucked up and made a mistake we remain friends - or apologize to each other if necessary, and things always always return to that warm, platonic, familial love.

and you know, for the fist time, ever, in my entire life....when i was dating Pilot Boy, i realized that Bringing The Significant Other Home To Meet Family was a big deal for me. And it was going to mean bringing him to the artist's house. Of course, Pilot Boy and i never got into a serious enough relationship to reach that point, but i definitely had a bit of an existential crisis over realizing that i actually wanted to hear the judgement of someone who was like a parent to me. I don't even know how to explain how much of a change of mindset it was, how odd it felt. And it's not like I have never dated anyone else in LA - there was Hiker Boy for like 3ish years of casual dating and not once did i even think about it. And that one guy E, who i didn't even mention to my friend. Like, this was definitely an accumulation of slowly starting to trust that the concept of having a 'parent' figure in my life was a good thing, rather than something scary.

I remember my mother would go through phases. If she was single suddenly she would go on rants about how being single was the normal thing and anyone who believed they could stay coupled forever was abnormal and weird. I never minded this phase because i was always single so always met that approval. But the other phase, when she was in a relationship, meant that she would talk about how anybody who wasn't in a relationship was weird and probably repulsive, and how being in a couple is the natural order of things (unless its a gay couple in which case absolutely they can marry but dont have children because it will fuck the kids up mentally). And of course during these times she would berate me for never dating.

And then one time when i was 24 two things happened: that summer she visited me in pittsburgh and escalated from emotional/verbal abuse and slapping to full physical abuse. And then months later when i visited my grandparents in seattle she invited me to a 'wine tasting and cooking lesson' with some VIPs at her work. And i went, and it was in this industrial area of seattle with this ridiculously fancy farm to table rich people type kitchen set up. And the chef was this ridiculously tall dark and handsome young man about my age from argentina. I was flustered, and the guy totally knew it, and found it funny. I could barely string two words together and he was teasing me the whole night, kept picking me for the demonstrations, etc, you know how it goes. It was very entertaining and i appreciated he at least wasnt being mean about my obvious attraction to him.

Anyway by the end of the night my mom was visibly tipsy. This scared the shit out of me. My mom is mean when she doesn't drink, but when she has just the right amount of alochol she's totally normal and fully functional and you don't notice. So the fact that i could see her slurring her speech and being unable to walk straight meant she had more than her normal amount which meant a LOT. And as we said goodnight to the fancy VIPs she was embarrassing herself in front of, and walking to her car, she turned to me and said 'you know the chef was flirting with you all night'. And i was fully prepared to correct her because at that point i'd had at least one boyfriend and thought i knew what flirting was and teasing isnt the same at all. But i didnt get a chance because she also said something like: 'he was only flirting with you because you were the only person his age in the entire room. That's the type of guy who only goes for pretty girls, not you.' and then she wouldn't let me take her keys to drive us home. And i was too scared of her to force her to give them to me. And that was the last time i've seen my mom. Because her driving home so drunk she was obviously mentally and physically impaired was the last straw for me - one of my friends mothers was killed by a drunk driver when we were kids. And if i was too scared of my mom to do my part to stop that from ever happening again, then it was time for me to admit i couldnt handle this. Its been 11 years and i dont regret it, although sometimes i still have nightmares of her finding me and gaining control over me again like when i was a kid. But i also never forgot that comment - that explained so much. How she would rant about how weird it was that i was single, but she never really truly believed i was the kind of girl anybody would want as a 'girlfriend' anyway.

Contrast this with my friend at the artist house. Who at one low point this week, i called up to cry on their shoulder over work drama and how helpless i felt. And somehow they mixed up the current situation with Pilot Boy. And they started talking about the kind of ideal person they imagined me dating, and said a lot of stuff about someone who 'saw me for how wonderful i was' - i dont know honestly i couldnt listen to most of it, my brain just tuned it out. And i laughed and corrected them that no the person i was dating a month ago was 'Pilot Boy' and this guy currently was someone who - under no circumstances even if it meant being single forever - i wouldn't want to date. And then i stopped and thought for a little bit and realized that if i can change my mind about not wanting to ever have a parent in my life, and have those 'normal' things like the 'bring a date home to meet the parents' type experiences... That maybe one day the conviction in me that believes nobody would ever choose to date me or value me or consider me worthwhile....that maybe that could change too. And then maybe my friend's speech about someone valuing me wasnt so totally unbelievable and impossible. It still seems extremely farfetched to me, and I'm totally happy with just being able to know that my friend at least genuinely believes someone should be able to romantically love me one day. Like that's way more than i've ever had before. I should be grateful for that.

Anyway, yeah, if penelope's arc is something like that....then i might be interested. Because all we've seen from penelope's mother is her dismissing her daughter over and over again as being nothing worthwhile.

[wonder2realities]

You never mentioned you were disabled in your original reply to that ask. It’s also not on your pinned post. How in the world were they supposed to know that the response came from a disabled person? And before you say you’ve mentioned it on your blog before (which I have no idea if you have or not) how do you know they would have seen it? They most likely found your response through the notes on the ask post. And just FYI, you can educate someone without calling them “icky” or degrading them in any manner. They asked if the way they thought was bad, you could have said yes and explained why instead of calling them icky and assuming they would know your disabled. At the end of the day it’s just a damn opinion on the matter. Opinion is not fact just because it came from someone in the group in question.

so much to unpack this is insane im losing my mind this is gonna be a long ass response

op was geniune, i gave my opinion saying its a bit icky - thats not degrading??? i never called them an ableist, never said they were an awful person, i said in my opinion i think its icky - i didnt even direct it towards the person. i never said "youre an awful person for doing that." - i literally said "its moreso the fact that scripting out disabilities is icky"...

please point to the degrading. point to the meanness and evilness, the harshness...point to it. unless the person who originally made the ask to that confessions acc wants to come into my dms or my inbox and say they were personally offended, i really dont see how it could be degrading. maybe its the alexithymia but i dont see it, i dont get it.

ive talked abt being disabled on this blog frequently, literally i make a blog at least once a week talking abt being autistic : even if they were unable to find that out and assumed i was not disabled then they can simply take my opinion as something else i wouldnt care as much about that however i literally MENTIONED THAT YOU CAN SEARCH UP AND ASK DISABLED PEOPLE AND LOOK INTO SIMILAR DISCOURSE because then youd be able to see it from different perspectives as the term disabled is a large umbrella term. so i not only said my opinion as a disabled person who has frequently talked abt being autistic and has literally made blogs talking abt keeping my disabilities in my drs but i also gave advice on where to find other perspectives that will go more into detail of why disabled people dont feel comfortable with the whole "heal everyone!! we're gonna heal all disabilities to save them!!" mindset.

you have no right to say whether an opinion is a "fact" or not when your opinion on the topic is automatically invalid because you arent disabled - dont try to pull that shit on me when you know for a fact that being disabled means that id have more of an understanding on the social aspect of what its like to be disabled...because i experience it and i wont let any ablebodied person or any neurotypical person try to speak over me on that. also, ive mentioned im autistic AND have physical disabilities multiple times on here - even if its not mentioned in my original post i quite literally said if youre confused you can look into discourse regarding the whole "disabled people cant be in fantasy because fantasy = utopia which = everyone being healthy" thing because there are disabled people who have talked abt this multiple times and in my eyes there are similarities to that and the idea of scripting out disabled people because they have similar reasons.

also if youre who i think you are aka the person who deactivated the second i responded : if youre able to go that far into my blog to find a post where i said i was gonna go on a social media detox - you wouldve been able to find a post on me talking abt being autistic because i literally made a post a FEW DAYS AGO talking abt being a blk autistic.

^ incase u dont believe me for whatever reason, this was literally 2 days ago.

also im not an educator never claimed to eductae the person i gave an opinion - it is not my job to educate people. you are twisting a small paragraph of me saying "scripting out disabilities is a bit icky" into me being this harsh and awful person because i...didnt write an essay educating the person when i never claimed to educate them in the first place????

and again, i never attacked op the only person i attacked (which could be u if ure that account but im too lazy to do the whole "finding out whos behind the anon ask" thing) was the person who randomly responded to me, went through my entire blog to find a post of me saying i deleted twt for a social media detox and painted it as if im this limited person who "doesnt believe shifting is limitless and has a bad mindset" (which is insane???)

so to conclude this

speaking over disabled people where someone is asking disabled people for their opinion is weird. dont come into my inbox with this weird shit, unless its an apology because this is slowly creeping into ableism territory (before u even try to argue that its not - downplaying a disabled persons opinion on a topic that revolves around being disabled and speaking over them to then try to disregard their opinion being going "just because youre apart of a group doesnt mean your opinion is a fact" is insane. that is insane. call me crazy, idc thats insane.)

[thenightsystem]

Hi. I'm new alter who's been frontstuck my whole life. How do I detach and let someone else front? -someone who would really appreciate any information

Hey! We’ll try to help, but I’m not sure how much help we’ll be.

I (host) might not be a ton of help, because I’m nearly always in cofront or co-con. And I know things like this work different for every single system.

The first, and most obvious answer is positive triggers. If you know of any, that is.

We do it a few ways. One is the veil. We have a metaphorical veil turned into a semi-literal veil that we can use to move through front. The veil doesn’t always work, it’s more-so a tool that can help. I don’t know how best to explain the veil. It is metaphorically and semi-literally what we have to move through to get to the inner world, but the physical one doesn���t always work. If you have something like that, it might work for you,

If you have alters who can forcibly remove people from front, that would work. I recommend asking protectors or gatekeepers first, if yours can do that kind of thing, idk how your system works.

i know you said other alters cant front at this period of time, but if they can cofront this might work. Similar to the last one, but this requires someone else being in front. If theres someone in cofront, you might be able to allow yourself to fade to the back of front,, or have them push you to the back of front, if that makes any sense (assuming it works that way for you as well). Detaching is a different issue. The best advice I can give is follow the pull.

That goes for most things actually. If you can disassociate at will, or have a way to force yourself to that doesnt put you in danger, then you can do that. Even with slight disassociation, there’s a usually pull, for us at least. Follow the pull. I cant describe it any better than being pulled into (if you have one) your inner world. Either someone else can take front, or it will make it easier for them to do so.

We have a few more ways we do this, assuming were making it, and it doesnt happen automatically, but for a variety of reasons we dont wish to share them publicly. If you are comfortable, feel free too PM us if this doesn’t help. Again, im not sure how much help i can be, because every system is different, and also i dont leave front a lot.

If anyone else has tips they would like to share, feel free to add onto this! -host

[chaussurre]

Ok, my overanalyzing autistic ass had to start a loooong interpretation of the comments because while the comments were probably made without much thoughts behind them and I don't think the commenters understood what they wrote as anything else but a light joke, I think there's a discussion to be had about the things mentioned.

I have a hard time interpreting the comments as something other than "how dare these male gamers make an horny mod that depict women in such a manner! You, a woman is absolutely allowed to consume this kind of content, but males made it and it shouldn't have been made in the first place for you to consume, which is, once again, very ok."

I don't really understand how she could use the mod (which was implied to be ok) if no one made it (which was implied to be not ok)

And I have a hard time understanding that as "men shouldn't make parody of women in such a horny fashion, but it's ok for women to do it". While I would disagree, it could at least be a coherent idea. But they automatically assumed it was made by men, so I guess that's not what they meant?

Also I know there are people that claim that "any porn or sexual looking content is evil" but I really don't think this is what the commenters are saying here.

The comment "delete straight male gamers" was fine tho. Sure, they assumed a man did it, but the mod is a parody that looks ridiculous, so all in all a little joke isn't inappropriate. And good on op to correct them the way she did.

My hypothesis is that because there is an issue with depiction of women in mainstream games, that tends to treat horniness as a default, and reject any depiction of any "flaw" unless it is to design a woman that is supposed to look "ugly", some very well meaning people will automatically assume every woman character with a horny design as taking part in that. And thus, it must be problematic. This would explain the stance as I understand it because they would be saying "you, a woman that is into women, isn't taking part in that should-look-good-to-straight-men-all-the-time culture in virtue of not being a straight man, but the men that made the mod were definitely taking part in that", and were simply not considering the full scope of what they are saying.

All in all, I'm assuming the commenters are in good faith, not judgmental of anyone, (even if straight men were the butt of the joke, I don't read any hate, just a lightheaded joke) and unless there is another way to interpret the comments, I don't want this to be a call out against them. When we don't know much about someone's life and experiences besides a text we read without even knowing the tone, we should always assume good intentions as long as it is reasonable to do so.

But the reason I'm typing all that is not just to procrastinate the things I'm supposed to be doing right now instead of lying in bed with my phone, it's because this is not the first time I read similar things.

Personally I used to consider myself a hypocrite for both asking for better and less horny design for women in media but also really enjoying looking at said horny designs. (To put it back in context, I am a cis straight-tho-maybe-not-I-dont-know-lately-Im-not-so-sure man, but I grew with many friends that couldn't fit norms (and couldn't myself, undiagnosed adhd is a bitch), so I am wary of mainstream norms even when they cater to exactly me). I gave it a lot of thought as to how something could be enjoyable to me but problematic as a whole.

I think that my mistake, and I see many other folks doing it too, was misunderstanding the issue of should-look-good-to-straight-men-as-a-default culture. The problem isn't "should look good to straight men" the problem is "as a default". I think that one of the issue lgbt folks (and cis straight women too, probably? Maybe not as much) have growing up in general is that since every single space is designed for straight men, they lacked proper spaces to discuss sexuality and sexual content in a way they find confortable and enjoyable.

The gay men that want to talk about how to safely bottom prep should have a space to do that. The trans girls that are proud of their penis because fuck you, they're girls with penises either get on it or get over it, should have space to talk about girldick. The trans girls that hate talking about dicks on girl because they feel very disphoric about that subject but still want to talk about sex should also have a space. Straight women need their space to talk about sex in a way that doesn't focus on men's point of view. Aces also need sex-free spaces to exchange garlic bread recipes.

Lesbians that really love how women look should also have a space, even though it will mean that every now and then you may find content that look like the typical straight men fantasy, and you will have to move on. (Also lesbians: yeah I am 100% with you and while I will not enter your spaces, I must tell you that you are absolutely right: women pretty)

(I will not do every subcommunity of the lgbt+ community, you get the idea)

And of course it must follow that straight men too must have their space. It just must stop being the "default" everywhere space. (Also please, call to my straight brothers: can we please have some variety in the way we depict women bodies ? There's all sort of ways someone can be beautiful, and I think our horny content would be better if we weren't afraid of so many of them)

And maybe keep the "default" space a bit less horny? At least less inclined to promote the cis straight man way of life™.

So please! Lesbians and straight men, unite to develop absolutely insane boob jiggle physics simulators! Straight women! Talk about how these hips make that male character look slutty! Trans girls! Brag about how deep you could shove your dick in another tgirl throat! Other profile of trans girls that is absolutely as much valid even if your profile is not very compatible with the profile mentioned just before and probably results in widely different life experiences! Discuss about how bottom op has enhanced your sex life and self confidence! (As I type that I realize I don't really know what are discussed in many of these specific spaces so if I guessed absolutely wrong and your community definitely never talks about that please feel free to clown on me)

In the meantime, I will enjoy video games that are designed with male and female characters treated in a similar way where design is reflective of a character's identity, and not the author's fetishes, and on the side I will also enjoy more niche horny games where characters have butts and boobs so large physics says they should collapse into a black hole. (Send recommandations for both)

chaos reigns 

[funshinebf]

gender moment venting below idk its kind of long and messy but i was just stream of thoughting about this shit

ive been wondering a bit lately about if i would want to go back on T again in the future. im trying not to worry about crossing that bridge til i get to it, but its just. idk. i sort of feel like if i decide that going back on it isnt right for me, that ive somehow... failed? like. i do not regret going on it! im very happy with my voice deepening, as well as my body hair growth. but i also really struggled with keeping up on my shots, the appointments and bloodwork, as well as the acne and patchy facial hair and how they affected my body image and self esteem. while on one hand, i would Love to have facial hair, i had a really hard time with the awkward phase of it growing in, and i just felt... really, really shitty about my appearence while i was dealing with it. if i could go back on it and instantly have fully formed facial hair and clear skin, i might consider it, but... since thats not possible, i think i'd rather just keep the changes i already got and continue to be off of it.

and like, i know that every trans persons needs and wants in their transition are different, and its okay to not want certain changes, it doesnt make someone less trans. but it just feels like, with how long i was fighting for it, and how desperately i assured everyone around me that it would be good for me... it feels like by stopping it ive just proven them all right. and thats really frustrating for me! because like i said, i dont REGRET doing it, i dont want to get rid of what i did get from it! i just. couldnt handle some of the other effects.

i also feel almost like. it isnt fair to other trans people i know who arent able to start hormones? like, oh, i got on them super easily and now i dont even want them, when other people are still struggling so much and would love to be in my shoes. its so disheartening.

and idk. i know that my reservations about this are most likely just internalized transphobia, but its still.. very upsetting. i dont want anyone to think of me as less of a man, or less valid because of my hesitance to go back on T. and like, i still very much want top surgery, and i have no doubts about my pronouns and expression of my identity. i know who i am, i know what makes me happy, and i know what makes me unhappy! i just wish i didnt have to deal with any of this, pressure i guess? to conform to something that lines up more with a cis persons view of how trans people should be. i dont want to pass as a cis man. i dont think i ever will. i wish how i look didnt affect how people saw my gender, i want to be called 'sir' or 'young man' even when im wearing a full face of makeup and a dress. even when i have long hair and painted nails, even when i walk a certain way or have certain mannerisms or talk a certain way. i dont want any of that to automatically make people assume im a woman, or even use neutral pronouns for me. i just hate having to explain over and over again, that yes i ONLY use he/him, even when i look super feminine or use feminine terms for myself. if i ask someone else not to use feminine terms for me, why is that so hard for some people to understand? it isnt the same as me using it for myself. when i use it for myself its because i know exactly how i mean it and how i view myself when using it. i dont know those things when other people use it. only a select few people that i know for sure view me the way i am are allowed to refer to me that way. this shouldnt be so difficuly to wrap your head around. i know my own intent. i dont know yours. its that fucking simple!

urghhhh, this got a little more ramble-y than i meant it to. whatever. gender beam

[masked-puppetmaster]

hey, i saw you asked a while ago why dream & techno apologists are apologists for those characters (and you liked a bunch of my posts concerning that, actually) i was wondering if you still have any more questions - and also i wanted to ask if you wanted to talk a bit about c!tommy and what makes you like him so much? like is it just the emotional attachment to him? is it the trauma? anything specific about the way in which he is written? i've always watched his pov & i'm very curious! / - red

yo yo yo hey! I think I understand it a bit more now, for the dream & techo apologists, I think I’m still a bit confused when it comes to technoblade. I see a lot about people only using him as a weapon/ him not being able to trust people / no one sticking up for him and I’m not sure where it comes from? In all fairness, I only know him as the guy who executed Tubbo / spawned withers but im assuming that’s in large part because I came into the story so late (iirc I didn’t really get into the dsmp until around doomsday, and I got most information of past events just by like. osmosis or reading wikis) so I might simply just not have enough information on techno to get it. Like, he executed Tubbo under a lot of pressure iirc but that doesn’t take away from the fact he did execute him? or things with the withers, I know technoblade doesn’t like the government and I’d go as far as to say he has a point, but was it really necessary to destroy lmanburg (iirc, multiple times). I know he was mad, but I feel like he shouldn’t have taken in that far, like from what I see and understand it’s like yes he had his points but he hurt people and doesn’t seem to care that he hurt anybody, just kinda stands there assuming he’s right about everything and not rlly looking at the situation from anyone else’s perspective. That being said like I said I came into the story really late and so my arguments might be able to be chalked up to just a lack of proper context, and even if I’m kinda annoyed at Technoblade’s behavior I still like him as a character & when techno does stream I enjoy the content so I’m not like a technoblade hater or anything I just don’t see why people can be apologists for him bcos from my pov he’s just kind of hurt people and not taken any personal responsibility for it (I mean this as in acknowledging to himself he was ever in the wrong; ex. The whole Tommy / techno betrayal situation which I think was a p complicated matter to be fair he just keeps saying over and over how Tommy betrayed him and it doesn’t seem to me like he’s even bothering to look at the situation from Tommy’s pov or rlly reflect on his own actions at all)

I just rlly like Tommy! I think at least some part of it can be chalked up to Tommy being the first streamer I watched in the dsmp and one of the ones I watch the most from (half the time I’m watching the dsmp it’s a Tommy stream) so there’s just gonna be some inherent bias towards him there like there is with literally any of these streamers. As you put it, it is kinda the trauma, haha. trauma and emotional attachment lol. I think part of it is I relate to him a lot, and I can see where he’s coming from on a lot of things, and I also just like the way his character is written. Smthn abt him that people have pointed out is that his trauma isn’t pretty and romanticized it’s ugly and yk he acts out and all that, which I appreciate. I can see where he’s coming from on a lot of things or at least understand why he thinks the way he does. I like seeing him learn and grow I like seeing his arcs both personally with himself and with other people. He’s an interesting and complex character and he’s been through a lot and I think it’s just super interesting to see how what he’s gone though affects his mental state and his actions as a character, like just from like a mental analysis standpoint there’s a lot to talk about which I think is pretty cool. this isn’t to say that he’s never fucked up or done anything wrong, because he has, but to be fair so has everyone else on this server I don’t think there’s a single member of the server who’s done nothing wrong (except maybe like. Charlie. Charlie my beloved). He’s made his mistakes but every good character fucks up that’s what makes them a good character is their flaws and so with the ways that he’s messed up and the ways he’s hurt people I’m an apologist because I can see why he acts that way, where the feelings and actions are coming from and I can forgive him for it because I understand the why. Also I just think the punishments he’s received for his actions are rlly unfair, easy ex with exile he did something many people on the server have already done at one point or another and was exiled and mentally broken down over it and rlly it’s just been like one thing after another and even if he’s made mistakes he gets way more harshly punished than I think was fair. I’ve seen people talk about how annoying and selfish his character is and when I read the posts (not all of them, there’s a nice chunk of people who are civil about it) it just seems like they’re not rlly thinking abt his character and his experiences. I’ll see people explain his signs of trauma and say it’s annoying because it’s not soft crying trauma it’s messy acting out trauma which it’s just like you do not understand this at all, do you? Or with the discs, I’ll be honest with you here. I will defend Tommy’s attachment to these stupid little music discs till the day I die. Why can’t he have his discs? They’re his , they’re not even that valuable outside of the fact that they’re his, why can’t he have things? why isn’t he aloud to have items he’s attached to without someone taking them for the sole reason of he likes them. And all I see is people saying he is selfish and cares about the discs more than people, which is literally disproven in the rp. Ranboo flat out says he’s not selfish, when Tommy takes the blame for George’s house (also keeping in mind here tommy and ranboo barely knew each other at the time, and if Tommy was actually selfish he could’ve very easily dragged Ranboo down with him) and when it comes to the discs he’s given up the discs multiple times in favor of helping other people (he gave them up for lmanburg, and then for Tubbo I think twice actually) and the one time he told someone the discs were worth more than they were, that was the moment yeah made him realize he didn’t like who he was becoming and he immediately backtracked and allowed the disc to be handed over. TL;DR he’s not selfish he’s just got a lot of strong attachments and his attachments are both his greatest strength and his greatest weakness. And he’s a kid, he’s been though a lot of things, he’s got a lot of trauma he’s dealing

with and it’s not always pretty but he gets better, he has his arcs and he gets better and learns from some of his actions, and I think looking at him and his yk. Timeline and character development and arcs and his whole like mental deal and just general character choices are super interesting and I find it fun, as someone who enjoys character analysis, and all in all I love him I relate to him in some ways and some of it also might just be emotional attachment and bias towards him as Tommy being one of my comfort streamers

& it’s fully possible someone could have just as much of an argument for c!techno, my deal w looking at c!tommy making mistakes and c!techno making mistakes and being able to be an apologist for Tommy and not for techno is more about me understanding tommy’s character better and understand the reasoning and the why behind the things he says and does, vs. techno who i dont really get and i can’t be an apologist for him if I don’t understand anything hes doing or why he’s doing it and then seeing him over and over dismiss other peoples perspectives and never rlly reflecting on himself (not to say Tommy couldn’t use at least a little of that himself- I am Looking over at his relationship w Jack Manifold lol) can be kinda frustrating but as I said earlier that might just be me not knowing all the proper context

I could probably write more about Tommy especially when it comes to the whole technoblade vs Tommy thing but this post is already way longer than you probably ever wanted to read so I’ll stop now I’m sorry I’m just hyperfixated haha and yk if anyone wants to like add arguments or points or if you or someone rlly likes technoblade or dream or whoever and wants to talk to me about that go ahead I encourage that like I rlly enjoy having those conversations w ppl provided theyre civil abt it bc like we’ve all said a million times over before eveyone in the dsmp is an unreliable narrator and you’re just going to automatically have a bias towards a character if you watch their POV most and all that so. Yk I am a tommy apologist but I watch his streams most and I’m also just emotionally attached so anything I can say has to be taken w a grain of salt bcos I’m biased towards his character

[aprito]

hello <3 since i got these asks at the same time i decided to combine my thoughts on them in this post. yet another annoying sjw essay from yours truly on this blog 

before i get into these i think i need to preface why im like. i guess overly hyperfocused on a certain unproblematic base (same age au / platonic canon) for them and avoid the ped0philic content like the plague lol

tw for pedophilia ment, rape ment if that makes you squicky. ALSO THIS IS LONG AND RAMBLY

as i’ve mentioned a couple times already, ive been into the ship since i was 12, back when it was very very common to not only post untagged (nsfw) canonverse content of the two in writing and in drawing but also non con and the like, so you can imagine how bad my first impression online was. thinking back on it ...as a child i found it disturbing but didnt really register how problematic it really was?? (i know, but i also lived in the middle of nowhere and had no one explain this to me) 

skip to 2014 aka me coming back to naruto at 17ish and i had kinda become hyper aware of the fact that there was an increasing amount of people online who had come forward with explaining how fictional problematic content, mostly pedophilia, had been used to groom them into starting relationships with adullts. it was also a time where a lot of people didnt believe these victims, not registering how common it was for minors to be online friends with adults who had no boundaries and no qualms exposing them such content. not gonna get into my personal life here but i was lucky to not having gone through this myself. like... it kinda was my first time truly realising how fiction can EASILY be used to manipulate others irl (and yes i will not argue this, if you dont think fictional media can form and manipulate people’s opinions on attitudes, countries, cultures and virtues, pick up a book about the effects of propaganda media at least once please) 

i, being young, still liking the dynamic but not really the romance, would point this out here and there in the fandom and get into fights with grown adults in their mid 20s who assumed i automatically hated the ship(s) and tried to restrict their freedom of speech or whatever, heard everything from the “age of consent doesnt exist in naruto” to the “sasori looks like a child what does it matter” despite people clearly playing on him being older and experienced. it made me so upset that people were just consuming all this content uncritically and exposing children to it tbh?? not really just sos but a lot of minor/adult ships in naruto in general. and thats where i sat down and thought, i do not want to be a grown adult talking down to children that point out how unsafe the fandom is. theyre absolutely right in drawing these boundaries and calling out adults who defend the uncritical consumption and creation of this content. i do not want to consume or create content that predators could use to groom minors, and i absolutely do want to let younger people in fandom know that i am respecting their comfort zones and want them to have a safe and fun experience. after all, naruto is not an adult show and i think a lot of people forget that!!!! i am not perfect in that regard but its something that i, at the age of 23, am very passionate about and strive towards to.

and i guess thats where same age au was born for me and i have been sticking to it ever since. 

so finally we can move to the first question 

aside from the fact that we both dont like canon sos, i dont think it would work out even if i wasnt prejudiced to it anyways. in all honesty, 35 year old canon sasori is not a redeemable character to me, given the fact that he’s easily amongst the cruelest villains in naruto (torturing and killing and taxiderming people for his own fun personal gain, never for a goal that served anyone but himself. how do you redeem having over 300 corpses in your backpack that you felt absolutely no remorse for killing). sasori was legit one of the only cruel villains that didnt had someone else pull the strings, which sends a clear message on kishi’s part, who absolutely loves to redeem villains LOL.

being that old, he obviously had already been very manifested in what he believed in, even if it was shakey, to the point where the first crack in that world view (sakura and chiyo protecting each other) immediately had him give up on his life all together. that, in my opinion, is not a man who’s going to know what healthy relationships would look like, regardless of it being romantic or not. 35 year old sasori to me has the same appeal as an expired can of tuna and he’s probably very happy 6 feet under. he’s supposed to be a failed gaara in that sense that he had no one to look out for him and therefore was never going to experience anything but a bad ending in life. its fine that hes dead honestly, it wraps up his short character development the best IMO.

adding to that, seriously, sakura was obviously interested in knowing why he was that way, and called him out for being seriously fucked in the head, but it’s weird to me that people assume she had any interest in actively rehabilitating him, let alone starting a serious romantic relationship with him. sakura who’s not only very, uhm, immature and straight forward when it comes to her romantic viewpoints also, as a big bootlicker, wouldnt soil her standing in the village by starting anything with a disgraced and far too gone criminal like sasori. shipping that version of sasori with sakura intimately is still going to set her up for a huge power imbalance that would be difficult to handle imo, even if she was the one in the fight ultimately exerting her power over him. i would still look at it and think damn she deserves better than having to play therapist for man like that lol.

additionally, even if you ignored all of this, you cant really ignore that sasori had already known her as a child, and that had been his first and most impactful impression of her. i dont think that sasori would look at 35 year old sakura and see her as a grown woman and not the little green girl she was in the fight. plus, you easily fall into predatory comparison territory between the “childish” and “womanly” and i have seen way too often in fic just being boiled down to her now being fuckable. a lot of of ships do this and i would just like to remind yall thats it not normal for adults to want to start relationships with children they have seen grown up or known as a child when they themselves were fully grown adults. therefore, maybe if sakura hadnt met sasori before it would be less of a problem? but that also obviously defeats the point of the dynamic and the reason he died in the first place. so yeah, it sounds kind of doomed especially if you were to make it romantic. 

WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE SECOND QUESTION

let me preface this that im not fundamentally against age gaps, even if im not super interested in it. after all, colorblind had a 5 yr age gap (with sakura being 21), even if, say, i wrote similar fics today i probably would make it smaller lol. i think it can be handled well if both parties have enough life experience to deal with it, and the author is cautious of where the age gap starts, i think a 10+ year age gap would be fine in a scenario where the younger party (i guess sakura) was at least 25-27ish, meaning she has completed most of her most formative life stages and probably had been in relationships before, meaning she would be able to handle it without having to fear a huge power imbalance. the older the younger party is the less the age gap is going to matter tbh .TsukiHoshino and AngelOfDeath10 both handle age gaps in their fics really well imo, so i do not mind reading about them.

unfortunately, a lot of people in this fandom think making sakura barely "”””legal””””” (18, not even 20 which is hilarious to me because the source material is obviously japanese) because they both cannot stand her being past her “prime years” of being young fertile and fuckable to much older men as well as thinking a 20 year old is automatically old enough to handle that type of relationship. ive seen a lot of unironic takes that believe it will absolve them of callout posts if they throw around age of consent and “shes 18 now suckers!!!” enough lmfao. absolutely hilarious. aging a minor up without aging the adult down seriously reeks of predatory “cant wait until youre 18″ narratives and thats why i find it similarly disturbing as straight up pedo shipping.

ultimately, sasosaku is and will always be a inherently problematic ship in canon, which is why i think it should always be handled a little more responsibly in fandom spaces, ignoring or outright excusing the main problem factor, which is sasori, isnt going to convince anyone that the dynamic in itself is well written and interesting enough to explore in aus, like giving sasori the redemption most of us wanted him to have by aging him down to a point in time where he was still realistically going to allow being positively influenced, similar to gaara. 

so really, what i think is well handled age gap and how most people handle age gap in the naruto fandom are two different worlds at times lol 

tl;dr

canon shippers have never been anything but gross when i was younger and i didnt wanna be like that, even if youre “smart”enough to differenate, actual creeps dont really care and might use your content to blur the lines, sasori isnt rly redeemable so romantic canonverse realistically wouldnt make much sense and is still iffy, age gaps are fine if they are handled well, but given that the dynamic doesnt really need the age gap to still work im not that invested on making that an essential part of my shipping experience.  

thank you for reading and hope this makes sense!

[dinolikes]

IMPOSTER - PART ONE

summery ❤︎ nobody has any quirks and are stuck on a ship like among us

pairings ❤︎ imposter!dabi x reader

content warnings ❤︎ major character death

you snuggled deeper into the warm arms around you as the automatic dim lights in your room turned on, meaning to simulate sunlight.

"morning babe," a groggy voice from behind you said, making you turn around almost as if on instinct to smile at the man.

"morning dabi~" you lightly teased, calling him by his codename, resulting in a chuckled that shook his chest, which you were currently resting on.

as he looked up from you he squinted his eyes, "i dont wanna get up, I just wanna stay with you"

you blush but laugh it off, "cmon loverboy, we have our daily tasks to do," you try to raise yourself onto your elbows only to be pushed back down against his chest. you laugh, "touya!"

he smirks at you, "oh so NOW it touya? i thought i was just dabi," he grabs you by the waist a flips you, tickling your sides.

"t-t-touya!" tears had begun to escape your eyes, "ple-please touya! let me go!" you gasped in between laughs, even touya throwing in a few chuckle before stopping, finally letting you breathe.

"you better not scream that too loud or else we'll have to get scolded by that kid again," he sniggered, leaving you lightly chucking too.

you TECHNICALLY werent supposed to know anyone's names, everyone going by code names to protect your identity from imposters, who were basically moles sent by an organization know as the league, lame name you know, but they were pissed with headquarters, they thought they treated us like guinea pigs by sending us out into space all the time.

you and touya of course hadn't listened to any of the rules about relationships or closeness.

but there was others on this ship, 8 others to be exact, half of them were pretty young, just interns straight out of school.

one was the little brother of the intergalactic space traveler ingenium, who was very VERY serious about rule breaking.

one time you had accidently started to call touya well, touya but you had stopped yourself. no one else cared, they already knew of their crewmates relationship, they were just glad you didnt actually slip up. ingeniumu on the other hand was very upset that you had exchange names.

you had to convince dabi to not tell him that it was because it was weird moaning out a codename during sex.

then there was touya's little brother, shoto, who didnt care that by knowing his brothers full name you knew half of his by default, considering he chose his 'codename' to be his literal first name. you didnt quite know how he got away with that but you assumed that due to touya and shoto's dad being a higher up, he could do whatever the hell he wanted.

then of course there was skittish but snappy deku and loud and cocky 'king explosion murder', who literally everyone refuses to call him and just decides on 'kaachan' which is what deku calls him.

overall the newbies werent too bad, you were mostly annoyed by the pro, tomura.

it was actually what caused you and dabi to get so close, the mutual annoyance of that stupid bastard.

once you and dabi got dressed in your crewmate uniform (which was just a jumpsuit that everyone had their own color, dabi being purple and you being pink) you walked into the cafeteria and sat at the table, dabi quickly wrapping his arm around your shoulder.

"hello lovebirds," tomura knowingly cackled, giving you guys, more specifically dabi, a certain look.

dabi rolled his eyes "shove off virgin,"

you hid your laugh behind a cough, and smiled at tomura, "hi to you too,"

you might not LIKE tomura, but he was higher up in levels than you, meaning you have to respect him, something that dabi, who was on his same level, didnt have to.

"kaachan what's a virgin?" deku looks up at his friend, considering he seemed to be the king of insults, he probably knew what all of them were.

"woah kid, maybe talk to your friend about that in private," hawks, another higher up, walked up into the conversation a little too late but smirked.

"shut it bird brain!" kaachan yelled, yes technically hawks was his higher up, yes technically that meant kaachan needed to respect him. you and dabi werent the only ones who broke the technicalities.

hawks just smirked and plopped down next to you, meaning you were squished between your boyfriend and the dude your boyfriend hates.

your boyfriend didnt like a lot of people on the ship.

dabi hates kaachan (too loud), hawks (too cocky), tomura (too gross), deku (too peppy), ingeniumu (too stuck up) and he only semi stands thirteen, dabi could really only like his brother when he first came on, which made it even more surprising that he took a liking to you, enough of a liking to open up and date you.

"morning wonder," wonder was your codename, everyone called you that, even dabi when you werent behind closed doors.

you smiled, "morning hawks!" dabi clenched his jaw and looked away, something that didnt go unnoticed by you.

you leant into his ear, "i cant say goodmorning to you if you kept me up all night," you pulled back to see a smirk playing on his lips.

it was true, you probably only got an hour sleep that night.

he leant in to kiss you, both your helmets not on yet so you could eat, and anticipation filled you.

and of course tomura had to ruin it with his shit eating smile, "stop flirting you two,"

dabi paused and growled a bit, "the fuck did I say before virgin?" it came out less like a question and more like a threat to shut up, probably because it was.

"c'mon, you only have a little while before your baby brother comes, you dont wanna scar him do you~"

"its fine if they kiss, that's what people in relationships do." shoto's stoic voice said as he sat down in between dabi and deku, his usual seat. "plus it's not like I havent seen them in worse positions," you blushed and hid your head in your hands,

"shoto!"

he just shrugged.

everyone was there except thirteen, the seatings the same as always, with you and dabi practically on top of eachother, shoto next to dabi, then deku, kaachan, ingeniumu, tomura, twice, and then hawks, who next to you, completed the circle.

nobody had their helmets on, all waiting for thirteen to walk in with breakfast.

even though you werent supposed to gain connections to anyone on the ship, you all seemed to fall in rhythm with eachother and if even one person was off, you all were.

"thirteen's taking extra long..." deku muttered the rest agreeing,

"i dunno, is it someone's birthday? maybe he wanted to make someone a birthday breakfast," hawks shrugged.

"WE'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO GIVE OUT PERSONAL INFORMATION LIKE BIRTHDAYS!"

"shut up, bird brain was just asking,"

"JUST BECAUSE I NAMED MYSELF AFTER A VERY FEIRCE BIRD DOESNT MEAN YOU HAVE TO CALL ME BIRDBRAIN!"

"it kinda does."

"it's better than dabi! what even is a dabi?"

"you dont have to name yourself after something that already exists hawks," twice spoke up.

"and even so, you didnt have to pick something stupid like hawks, wonder over here did a fantastic job at that," dabi smirked at you as you rolled your eyes, a smile playing on your lips.

"you only say that because your dating her dumbass!"

twice rolled his eyes, "im gonna go check on thirteen, see what the hold up is,"

"oh please you cant talk 'king explosion murder', it sounds like a fucking kid named you, which I guess if you picked your name.." kaachan grew red at what touya was implying and stood up

"IM NOT A KID ILL BEAT YOUR ASS!"

touya too stood up, making your arm that was resting on his shoulder fall off, "oh yeah? I'd like to see you try!"

"kaachan! dont start stuff you cant finish!"

kaachan turned to deku and started yelling at him, where you just laughed and pulled dabi down, once again wrapping your arms around him.

"yeah dabi, dont start stuff you can't finish," you teased.

"oh you KNOW i could finish that," dabi wraps his arms around your waist pulling you closer to him til you were almost on top of him.

"whatever you say loverboy," dabi smirks at you, before turning his attention towards his brother.

"have you heard from dad yet?" shoto's aura around him darkened, and yours had just saddened.

"no."

touya had explained how the great endeavor had treated his children after you had gone on a tangent about how cool it was that touya had THE endeavor as a parent. you didnt think it was so cool after.

while shoto was still angry, and going through the rebellious stage determined to prove his dad wrong and win, touya always seemed like he didnt care, like he already won against endeavor some how.

a frantic twice ran into the room, looking disheveled and frightened, making everyone alert instantly.

"twice what's wr-"

"its th-thirteen! hes- hes DEAD!"

| next. |

[taezhu]

mafia!mark

you're drinking coffee and working on an assignment for university when you first meet mark

You remember that so well because it was quite a meeting indeed

Or rather you didnt exactly meet him at all - his existence was kind of thrown in your face

you had taken out your earphones because you could hear some shouting and were a little confused

and you see one guy run past the window of the coffee shop and you think there must be some drama

but then another man runs past and then darts back into the coffee shop and looks around at everyone

and he meets your eyes and nods once, running over to you and taking the seat opposite to you

and you're dumbfounded because what is he doing?? Why is he sitting with you??

He pulls off his jumper, tossing it beside you, messes up his hair and removes his face mask

ooh hes kinda cute

what are you saying hes literally probably a criminal

he shuts your laptop and reaches for your hand and obviously you pull your hand away and he just looks at you with wide eyes

"please can you pretend to be my girlfriend for like 2 minutes, it's really important"

and you're apprehensive but he genuinely looks scared and you feel kinda bad for him

"Just so you know, holding my hand doesn't automatically make you my boyfriend"

he smiles uncomfortably and looks down to the table, attempting to be a boyfriend you assume

so you genuinely ask him a question about it

"I'm guessing you haven't had a girlfriend before then?"

he looks up to you and doesn't answer for a moment, then shakes his head

so you hum, pulling put your phone and showing him the first thing that comes up on Instagram

"who are you hiding from? someone tried to mug you?"

he shakes his head and tells you he can't answer that

"Can I at least know your know your name?"

and he tells you its mark, and you're a little confused because he doesn't look like mark

"I'm from Canada, visiting a friend out here"

and there wasnt much other conversation because mark got a call and dashed out of there without saying another word

but you don't forget mark, you remember him quite clearly and were kinda annoyed that he just dashed

Though it was pushed to the back of your mind with everything else going on

Until one day hes standing at your front door with flowers and you're apprehensive at first but he tells you sorry

"I shouldn't have just left without even saying bye, or thanking you or anything. It was a dick move"

or rather he told the others what he did and they told him to apologise to you, which he did

but you'll act like that's not the case for now

and mark kind of shoves the flowers in your hands and then goes to walk away but you stop him

"you're not even going to come in for tea?"

"I dont drink tea"

"Do you have any friends, mark? Be honest"

And mark tells you, after being basically forced to sit down in your front room, that yes he has some friends

Though he doesn't exactly explain them as friends and they seem more like work colleagues

Judging from how mark talks, they probably were friends

as it turns out mark is just awkward and when you offer him a beer you had in your fridge he takes it and hes fine after a little alcohol

he is literally a completely different person and starts to tell you about him

that he was born in Canada but came over here for work and that he works with his friends and that he does stuff with information

and he tells you about Jisung who he looks after and their friendship sounds cute enough

He stays till pretty late just talking with you and doing dumb stuff

It was kind of a date but part of you thinks that he is an oversharer too

and its pretty dark out so you say he can sleep on your couch and expect him to say no

But to your surprise mark just says okay and lays down and pulls a blanket over him straight away

and you're like… okay then goodnight

thinking things to be normal you wake up the next morning to someone banging on the door

and when you walk out mark is jumping around trying to pull his clothes on

he meets your eyes and is like "can you hide"

of course you kinda freak out but mark ushers you into the bathroom and pulls the door shut but doesn't close it

"If you hear me shout, go out the window and go to the white glass building on fifth, ask for Haechan"

and you nod because you're confused and expect to have to jump out of the window but no

mark opens your door and is greeted warmly by someone else and it seems to be friendly

You peek around the door and see him with two other guys and one of them catches your eyes

"omo mark, is this the girl you were talking about?"

Mark looks back to you with wide eyes like uhhhhh

"The hot girl? One you wanted to ask on a date?" the other one asks

oof mark wanted to murder jisung right there and then but he just stared wide eyes and tried to interupt but haechan cut him off

“Did we interrupt something? Are you guys in the middle of something?”

It must have been the blanket and you wearing shorts and a tank top that supposedly gave it away

And in the meanwhile you’re just standing watching the three of them with no idea what is going on

Until haechan walks forward to introduce yourself and suddenly you’re bffs with two of them and mark is standing awkwardly watching you all

So as it turns out, mark is just super awkward in general and doesnt ever have a clue on what to say to anyone

Bless him, he has barely any conversational skills yet he still somehow tries

Back to what actually happens

Mark is dragged away by haechan and jisung who introduce themselves, but he messages you later since he left his phone number to apologise again

And you tell him to stop apologising to you because he doesn’t need to so mark apologises again

yeah, thats something that happens a lot

You guys go on an official date, but not a date, a few days later

To the cinema actually to watch something, since you were both looking at watching it before hand and were talking about it

and it’s pretty cute, mark picks you up and you get there a bit early so when you’re waiting you can hear some old ladies saying that you were cute

mark’s cute cheek blush… unbeatable

everything is pretty normal so you’re hoping that maybe this one date, it will be the one where everything runs smooth

And it is for a bit

You’re almost 40 minutes into the movie and it’s not actually that good so you start thinking back to mark telling you to look for haechan if he screamed

You never actually brought that up to him again

But you did think that that was a bit weird

Especially since he seemed super creeped out and actually scared

somehow you’re coming up with the strangest of conspiracy theories and mark must have noticed because he turns to you and asks if you’re okay

then goes on to tell you that he thinks the movies is really boring and that he hasn’t been paying attention for a while now

It was a great opportunity for you to flirt a little, and you’re so close to telling him your other ideas but

As per usual, your plans are interrupted

This time by two guys who come into the cinema screen and mark notices and suddenly tells you to look forward and not react

The two guys come and sit a few rows behind you and you definitely can tell something is wrong

Five minutes pass and mark tells you to go bathroom on the other side of the cinema and wait until he texts you

And of course you do it and you wait in a stall with your feet pulled up because you’re genuinely scared

Ten minutes and no texts from mark

Another ten and you’re worried that something has happened to him

so though you know you shouldn’t you decide to leave and look for him

and you end up walking into the most silent of corridors, literally it is something from a horror film

having a little bit of sense you don’t go back to the screen and instead go to the front desk so you’re around a lot of people

your smart plan seems to work in your favour when you are met with a big group of people waiting for a screening of another film

you’re still waiting another fifteen minutes later so you decide to call mark but he declines your call and texts you to wait

that isn’t the best response you’ve ever gotten and you text him back that you’ll be in the coffee shop next door

But you’re never actually met by mark, and instead by this older guy who probably is like 7 or 8 years older than mark meets you

you’re not sure who he is but he sits down opposite you and hands you a card with the ‘KDY Finance’ on it and his number

there’s a lot of confusion again when the guy leaves you and there is still no sign of mark

there isn’t any sign of mark for the rest of that week actually

and the week after that, and after that too

mark is missing for about a month before you find the contact card for KDY finance and try calling the number

you assume the guy you met picks up when it is a deeper voice that answers, and he says that it is Doyoung speaking

so you just say it’s you, from the coffee shop

and he hums, telling you to come to his office in 40 minutes and to ask for him

needless to say you don’t fit in there because they’re all professionals and you’re wearing yesterdays clothes

but regardless, after a judgemental look from the receptionist you’re taken to his office and you see ‘doyoung’ again

as well as mark, who looks like he has the last of bruises and cuts over him

You’re really surprised to see him but apparently mark isn’t, he runs straight over to you and hugs you really tight

“I thought you were gonna call the next day, not wait like a month! I’ve been waiting this whole time for you to call!”

“Well why didn’t you call me, idiot!”

doyoung chips in that he wasn’t allowed to, and you realise that there is definitely more going on here

and mark will tell you, eventually

give it like two or three days maybe less because if you ask he will tell you straight away

and maybe he will confess a bit more to you too~

[angrylizardjacket]

ask your destiny to dance [16] {Roger Taylor}

[masterpost]

“I can’t speak to her.” Roger’s got his head on a bar in a pub that’s not Ash’s.

“Can I go back to pretending I don’t know what was going on?” Brian asks, taking a long sip of his drink and gazing out at the crowd. It’s been over a week since Ash had stayed over, and they hadn’t seen her since. It’s not like she’d even asked about him, or made a move to contact him; sometimes they go a full fortnight before seeing one another, but Roger’s been fretting for almost eight days internally, and for the past twenty minutes externally, since he’d finished his first drink.

“She said she loves me.” Roger groaned, lifting his head to weakly order another pint. 

“From what you’ve told me, she wasn’t even fully conscious; it’s not like it counts.” Brian had never seen Roger downright distressed like this, it would be funny if it wasn’t bordering on annoying.

“No, that means she was extra honest,” Roger groaned, downing half his beer in on go, to which Brian could only roll his eyes.

“Or she was still asleep and thought you were Jack Nicholson.” After a beat, Brian goes back to watching Roger brood over his glass. “Boo hoo, Rog,” he shoved the blonde lightly, to which Roger just leveled a glare at him, “a girl you’ve been seeing for months maybe has feelings for you. It’s not like it’s the end of the world.”

“It’s only been since I broke up with Kristin,” he’s adamant about that and Brian lets him have it, for now. In retrospect, he feels like an idiot for not seeing it sooner; Brian’s not sure when it started, but it’s definitely a lot longer than Roger’s willing to admit. “And it doesn’t mean nothing, but it also... it’s never meant something. Like it’s something but it’s not something. It’s just fucking around and having fun.” And Roger swivels on the bar stool, joining Brian in looking out over the crowd, before they spot Freddie crashing through the door, making a beeline for them once he’d spotted them.

“Alright, what did I miss?” Freddie asked, though the other two were quiet as he ordered a beer. Before either could get a word in edgewise, Freddie props his chin on his hand on the bar, and announces; “Roger you look like shit, what’s wrong?”

“I’m pretty sure he’s in love with Ash, and he thinks she’s in love with him.” Brian says blithely, and Freddie nods with understanding as Roger tells them to both sod off, and he stalks through to join the crowd on the dance floor. “She said she loved him in her sleep.” Brian explains, taking the chair Roger just freed, sliding into place beside Freddie.

“I’ve never seen him this worked up about someone before.” Freddie admitted, and Brian nodded in agreement, the two of them barely able to see his blonde hair for the crowd, and they lost sight of him soon enough.

“What do you think? Has Ash said anything?” Brian’s gaze slides to Freddie’s who just rolls his eyes.

“I think my dear Ash has never in her life loved a man who’s deserved it,” Freddie mused, though his lips twisted into a smirk, “that’s not to say she’s a saint, far from it, but compared to the others, Roger is a breath of fresh air.” 

“Isn’t that a sad thought.” Brian said faintly, before heaving a sigh. “Well, I know we haven’t been here long,” he got to his feet, finishing off his drink and looking around for his housemate, “but if I don’t drag him home he’s going to do something stupid in his current state.”

“Like that pretty, brunette thing over there?” Freddie asks, pointing to where Roger’s already got his lips on a wavy-haired brunette at the side of the room. Freddie’s pretty sure he sees Brian’s soul leave his body for a moment, and watches everything play out like a terrible Shakespearean comedy for which he was the only audience member.

“He’s a danger to himself.” Brian takes Freddie’s drink from his hands and takes a long gulp before passing it back, though Freddie doesn’t seem likely to complain.

“He seems rather fine,” Freddie watches Roger go in for a hickey on the girl with a morbid, voyeuristic interest, taking another sip of his drink, “and you know he and Ash aren’t technically exclusive.” 

“Yeah but there’s three options here; Ash finds out and gets pissed and I have to hear about it because apparently now that I know I’m all in on this disaster,” Brian lists on his fingers with a theatricality Freddie had rarely seen from him before, though he’d rarely seen Brian this exasperated before, so perhaps it was merely that, “two, Ash isn’t pissed, sleeps with someone else, and Roger gets pissed because he’s in love with her-”

“Which is unfair, what a tremendous double standard.”

“Yes, we all know Roger’s a hypocrite.” Brian sighed, casting a glance over his shoulder at Roger, before turning back to Freddie.

“And three?” The other man prompted, and Brian picked up his empty pint glass.

“I kill him with this glass because I’m sick of his sulking.” He says bluntly, and Freddie’s all for the third option, but he begrudgingly helps pull Roger away, to which the drummer complains the whole time.

“Where are we going?” Roger demands to know when they head in the opposite direction of his apartment, a sentiment that Brian mirrors, though he doesn’t seem inclined to question Freddie’s direction outright. Freddie always had a plan. The man in question wrapped an arm around Roger’s shoulders.

“You’re going to confront your problems, Rog.” He sounds so decisive, as if it wasn’t a plan he’d come up with as they were leaving the bar, and Roger tries to scramble his way out of it, but Brian’s fed up enough with Roger’s complete inability to do anything but run from his problems that he’s willing to take Roger’s arm in an almost iron grip.

“It’ll do both of us a world of good.” Brian tells him as Roger glowers at his housemate.

“You don’t get to decide what’s good for me; what’s good for me was that girl at the bar, she smelled nice and was about three minutes away from banging me in that bathroom.” Roger snarled, wrenching himself out of their grips, though he didn’t run this time, crossing his arms over his chest as he walked with them.

“Rog, we’re not gonna let you ruin a good-” But Brian’s gentle sigh was cut off by more of the blonde blustering.

“That’s so presumptuous!” He stopped in his tracks, scowling between both of his band-mates. “You’re both wankers, selfish fucking wankers. This is kidnapping.” He snaps.

“Fine; if you want to leave, we’re not stopping you.” Freddie offers, gesturing freely at the path behind them. “We’re just trying to help.” 

Roger stomped the entire walk to Ash’s apartment. 

“What the fuck, guys.” She opens the door with her hair in a messy bun, wearing a pair of sweat pants and a ratty, oversized Beatles shirt. “How did you get in?” 

“Your RA let us in; sorry for the interruption, just had to deliver this idiot.” Brian gave Roger’s shoulder a nudge. Roger is looking at anything but Ash. His latest drink had hit him about the same time as he got to her block, and now that he can smell the vanilla candle she likes to burn in her room just beyond her, he just wants to curl up and go to sleep under her duvet. Or fuck her. He’s not quite sure.

“Can I return to sender?” She asks without hesitation, and Roger rolls his eyes. Freddie shoves him forward.

“No.” 

Ash doesn’t move, just frowns as Roger stumbles into her space, and she’s automatically got a hand on his chest to steady him. Roger doesn’t seem like he’s there completely of his own free will, but he doesn’t move away from her, even as both Brian and Freddie leave, muttering something about him being ‘her problem now’.

“Care to explain?” She asked, gently walking him backwards and closing her door behind herself. The two of them make their way to the common area, and Roger sits up on the kitchen counter as Ash pours him a glass of water.

“Not really.” He said, sipping the water loudly and swinging his legs so his heels kick the cupboards below. Ash looks like the very sight of him exhausts her, but she rests her hands on her thighs, pressing herself against his legs to still them. “We can fuck whoever we want, Ash.” He says, seriously, and he sees the exact moment she realised the reason for his forced meeting, and he watched her expression fall.

“Yeah of course.” She agrees, crestfallen expression turning quickly to faux apathy. “Did you have fun?” But her heart wasn’t in it.

“They pulled me away, brought me here before anything really happened.” He huffed, taking another long sip. Ash stepped away, yawning loudly and sinking into a chair at the dining table. After a beat, Roger hums thoughtfully. “Ash, what do I mean to you?” And it’s so nonchalant it actually hurts Ash a little.

“I think that’s a really shitty thing to ask right now.” Her answer is automatic, she can’t look at him. “And I think you’re drunk.” 

“Ash...” It does register in his mind that he’s said the wrong thing, and it breaks his heart to see her too tired to repress her emotions like she usually would in this situation. Perhaps she assumes he won’t even remember this tomorrow. “Ash, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“Yeah, I know.” She says softly. “You’re always sorry, and I’m always sorry, and there’s always someone else that feels like a mistake, even though we don’t technically need to apologise.” Shaking her head, she sighs deeply. “This isn’t the time for this conversation.” She admits, and standing, she takes his hand. “Come to bed, Rog.” 

When they’re back in her room, she pulls off her sweat pants and offers them to him without even thinking about it, and he’s quiet, forlorn when he takes them, changing into the borrowed pyjamas. Ash is already tucked into bed when he turns back, back to him, pressed as close to the wall as she can get with her head pillowed on her hand, not even attempting to co-opt some of the pillow for herself. There’s sewing equipment out, obviously still in use in the corner of her room, a blouse half sewn and still in the machine where it was left when it’s creation had been interrupted by a knock at the door.

When he slides into bed beside her, reaches out to rest a hand on her shoulder - an apology? a reassurance? just a need for human contact? - she shrugs him off, murmurs a quiet ‘don’t’. 

“I panicked.” They’re back to back, and the bedside lamp has been turned off. Roger isn’t even sure if Ash is still awake. He speaks into the silence, made honest by the hour and his inebriation. “You told me you loved me and I panicked.”

“Roger... I never said that.” Ash’s voice was confused in the darkness, and Roger feels like his whole world has fallen out from under him. He’s spent over a week considering whether or not she’d remember; if it had been real, whether she’d really meant it, but he’s never quite sure which answer would hurt more.

“You... were mostly asleep.” He admits, and he can feel the way Ash sighs heavily, the shift of her back against his as she tries not to hear it.

“Wow, imagine what kinky shit you and the girl from the bar would have gotten up to if I’d meant it.” She just sounds tired, as though she was trying to end the conversation, as though she hadn’t just shattered Roger’s heart. After a beat, she laughed humorlessly. “What are we doing, Roger?”

“I think Brian’s right.” And his words are enough to startle a weak laugh from Ash. “I want this to be about more than sex, I think.”

“You’re drunk and panicking; don’t worry, I’ll still work with the band if this goes south.” Ash says. Roger won’t take that, can’t let himself fall into the trap of panicking like he’d already fallen into that night. Turning, Roger presses his lips to the back of her neck, and Ash doesn’t like to think about how good it makes her feel.

“I’m sorry-” He tries, but she cuts him off.

“I heard you the first time.” Voice terse, she crosses her arms awkwardly over her chest. “Roger the idea of being with you fucking terrifies me.” She admits, raw and honest, glad he can’t see how conflicted she was. “You were so worried that I was in love with you that you almost slept with someone else, and for what? Were you worried you were losing control of your life? Didn’t want to be tied down?” Roger’s got an arm on her shoulder, rubbing comfortingly as she speaks, and he can feel her shaking.

“I know I’m not a saint, okay, love?” Roger admits, and Ash takes a long moment to consider his words, leaning back a little into his touch, before answering.

“Neither of us are, Roger, and that’s why what we have is so good right now.” Her voice has softened, and Roger stays quiet. “We can talk about it tomorrow.” She says gently, before reaching to link her fingers with his where he’s got his hand on her shoulder. She pulls him closer, and Roger makes a low hum, pressing a quick kiss to her shoulder.

When the morning comes, things are quiet and golden. Neither one knows what to say to the other, but Ash still gets him a cup of tea in the morning, and when he sees the cup with the little cat face on it, Roger feels something tighten in his chest. 

“Let’s try this, please.” He asks, expression sincere when he looks at where Ash is tucking herself back into bed, pressing herself against his side. The look she gives him is confused, and then it blooms into something hopeful. “I’m not fucking around here, I mean it.”

When she kisses him, her hand is warm where it had been holding her teacup, and she’s smiling against her lips. There’s a tension in her shoulders, and he can’t stop playing her words back over again in his head, ‘the idea of being with you fucking terrifies me’ and it’s clear that feeling hasn’t vanished over night.

But she’s willing to try.

the ususal suspects: @deakydickfanpage @hollyissuchahoe @laueecakee @smittyjaws @crystalshines2909 @i-am-sarah @legendsaresooftenwarnings @2ptonpt @benhardy24-7 @maiilovely @mickey-yr-a-goner @butter-times @heyyouitskay @tired-eyes-fairy-lights @yepimthatperson @missieluvsmurder @ironqueen98 @ceruleanrainblues @banhbao329@fantasticchaoticwho @ko-kitty @seven-seas-of-hi @mimisfangirlfantasy @aadjuric @rogmobile @cardybenhardy @snacfu @perriwiinkle @the-strange-fan-girl @finite-incantatem-7 @tapetayloe @florencewelchmybiggod

[undertaleowl]

How would the UT and US skelebros react if they came home to find their S/o crying on the couch, when they ask what happened they explain that their family kicked them out and dont want anything to do with them because of their depression and anxiety. That they dont want their psychotic bullshit or for them to infect them. (This actually happened to me and I'm sorry if this makes you uncomfortable)

I’m so sorry, lovely. No one deserves that, literally no one. I hope this imagine does you justice. I know that it’s probably a super personal thing you don’t want to talk about too much, but in case you do, my inbox is always open. Imagine is underneath the cut

NOTE: this will be tagged tw: trauma. Just because this ask covers a wide variety of things that may be triggering to certain individuals, even if I can’t immediately identify them. Thanks.

UT Sans

Despite being your mate, Sans’ “big brother” instincts go off hard and fast when he sees you sobbing and trying to control yourself while sitting on the couch. He rushes over to you (that’s how you know he’s worried, he actually rushes to you) and pulls you into his chest to let you cry for as long as you need to. No, don’t worry about getting his jacket wet, just cry. He pets the back of your head, being careful to not get his phalanges tangled in it, and just tries to soothe you to the best of your ability. Once he’s confident that he can leave you for a few minutes, he short-cuts to Grillby’s to get some of his hot chocolate for you. Literally, this normally lazy skeleton will do everything he can to calm you down and make everything better.

After a couple more minutes of creating an aura of comfort for you, Sans finally coaxes you to tell him what had happened to make you so upset. When he does, he can’t stop his eye from flashing yellow and cyan as a furious flash of magic washes over his body. He shudders as he suppresses the magic for the time being. Him getting angry is not gonna help you right now. He’s patient and calm, letting you explain the situation at your own pace.

Once you’re finished, Sans immediately offers to let you stay at his place. It can be permanent, it can be temporary, whatever you want. You want to share a room with him? Sure thing, pal. You want your own room? They can move all of the stuff out of Pap’s trophy room back to his room, and that can be your own space. No, no, don’t worry about going back…there to get anything. Sans will teleport back and forth to get you anything you need.

Sans very rarely will assume a position of control, but if that’s what he needs to do to support you, he’ll do it in a soulbeat.

UT Papyrus

Like Sans, he is quick to take action. However, because of his “act first, think later” nature, he doesn’t help all that much first. His instinct is to hug you, because hugs make everything better, don’t they? However, this was…different. You didn’t show a sign of stopping, which has never happened with Papyrus before. He knew what that type of crying meant, thanks to his experience dating you and having Secretive Skeleton Extraordinaire as a brother. He still hasn’t gotten the hang of immediately ameliorating emotional hurts, but he can heal the physical hurts that may have been caused by the emotional hurts.

He assures you that he will be right back as he wraps the softest blanket in the house around your shoulders and hurries off to wet a couple washcloths with cold water. When he gently maneuvers you to lie down on the couch, he places one of the washcloths against your eyes, which were probably sore from crying so much. He placed one of the washcloths against your wrist, since that would help you cool your body temperature down faster. If you were going to be distraught, you were going to be the most comfortable distraught person ever. Just knowing that he could help you in some way turns him into the ultimate source of calm. He goes and gets you a glass water to help you re-hydrate yourself, and some Advil (bought when you had become his datemate; the Great Papyrus is always prepared!) to help if you have a dehydration headache.

Eventually, his physical comforts comfort you emotionally as well, so now you can tell him what had gotten his lovely, beautiful, amazing datemate in such a state, hm? He is silent during the entirety of your story. His first response is that you will stay with him. You can decide to leave at any time of course, but at least for two weeks, stay with him and Sans, please. When you question about going to get your stuff, your medications if you have them, or anything else, he’ll just cut you off with a soothing, “Shush.”

He’ll go talk to your parents tomorrow, but for now, he was going to keep you safe in his arms. No depression, anxiety, or misunderstanding parents were ever going to take you from him.

US Sans

His older brother protective instincts go off, only he deals with it in a less calculated manner than UT Sans. Instead of being soothing, he immediately assumes that someone has hurt you and is demanding that you tell him what happened so that he can help you. He really does mean well, just wanting to get to the bottom of the problem that is obviously making you so upset. However, his method of trying to help doesn’t really help you at first, so Sans has to take a step back and think about what is going to help you in the here and now, not sometime in the future.

He apologizes sheepishly and sits next to you and begins to rub your back, especially in particular parts of your spine. As a high strung skeleton, Sans has figured out his body so that it can calm down for him when he mentally doesn’t know how. In short, this boy knows about acu-pressure, and he is definitely going to use it on you, all while murmuring reassurances into your ear and into your hair.

He gently massages your the nerve on your wrist, right between the pinkie and ring fingers, which is supposed to help with immediate anxiety. After a few minutes, he turns his fingers to the muscles in between your index finger and thumb and massages the middle firmly, which was supposed to help stress reduction.  He gently pinches the shoulder blades and then rubs them a little more firmly for about thirty seconds. He can feel you tension decreasing, and instead of constricted, heaving breaths, your breathing has become unlabored, even if tears still shine brightly in your eyes.

Sans can’t help but sigh with relief when you finally whimper his name into the crook of his neck. You’ve come back to him, just as you’ve always done.

“Welcome back, dear.”

He doesn’t ask any questions, so when he finds out why you were so upset, it’s because you told him on your own accord. You can feel him tense behind you as you cuddle into him, but he assures you that you’re welcome to stay as long as you need. Truth be told, he’d been thinking about asking you to move in with him a for a while, but he’s not going to bring that up right now.

After you fall asleep, he looks up legal ways to destroy your birth-givers in court.

US Papyrus

He is a hot mess with his own emotions, so when all of your emotions are pouring out, he doesn’t know exactly how to make you feel better. However, his instincts are pretty damn good, so he just goes with what his first instinct is. He turns on YouTube and looks up Vine Compilations, may Vine rest in peace. Does he think that will automatically get you to stop crying? No, absolutely not, but in his experience, in times when there’s extreme emotions at play, so intense that it makes a certain part of your body tense up, then it helps to have a distraction. Since your eyes are no doubt occupied at the moment, then that means sound is the best medium of distraction.

Sometimes, too many sounds can become overwhelming, so you and Papyrus share a pair of bright orange earbuds. In your unoccupied ear, you hear the occasional “I love you” and “it’s going tibia okay”, and “it’s just us now”, all things that he wished someone would have said to him whenever he went into one of his spells.

After a three-hour long vine compilation, you finally tell him what had happened to you, and all he can do is wince and flinch. How cruel and ignorant do you have to be to throw out your own child over something that they don’t have control over? That’s like kicking them out because they have cancer. It doesn’t make sense to him, and he is 100 percent willing to be that support that your parents were stupid enough not to give you. He doesn’t ask you to stay. He begs you to stay, even though you were hoping that he and his brother would let you stay in the first place. He’s so worried for you, so worried for you. All he wants is for you to be safe, and by the Angel, he’s going to make sure that you feel safe and loved, no matter what happens.

He asks what you want to do about your parents. If you want to leave them be and never see them again? Fine. You want to go and give them a piece of your mind? He’ll stand behind you and look intimidating as fuck. You want a restraining order? He’ll go to the police station first thing tomorrow.

He loves you so much, and he WILL find a way to make sure that you love yourself too.

[angstalottle]

Voiceless

@taylor-tut Happy Mothers day Beef mom

For the entire month they had been in space, Keith hadn’t heard Lance speak once.

At first he just assumed the other boy was ignoring him just to be spiteful, but as time went on and Lance remained silent around even Hunk, keith began to worry there was more to it and no one else seemed to notice or care.

That was why when he brought it up during breakfast one morning he was surprised to see the rest of his team mates look at him like he had grown a second head.

“Keith you know Lance is autistic right?”Hunk asked raising his eyebrow and glancing at Lance with an amused expression “when he's stressed he physically is unable to talk, i mean it's been a month dude what did you think he was mad at you?”

Keith looked down at his plate of goo. That had been exactly what he had thought.

The brief time they shared together on Earth Lance never seemed to shut up. There was a constant stream of chatter always leaving his mouth that honestly got on his nerves.

However soon as Allura had explained their new situation Lance seemed to switch off that flow and became a silent presence in the castle.

Rapid hand movements caught his eye as he saw Lance assumably sign something to Hunk as he tried not to laugh.

Hunk snorted as he glanced at Keith “You really didn't know did you?”

This time Keith did answer, be it only with a small nod of the head.

Loud laughter echoed around the room as the entire team couldn't hold it in any longer. Keith's glare went straight to their leader and his supposed best friend who practically had tears rolling down his cheeks from laughing so hard.

“Oh come on how did you know?” Keith snapped throwing his spoon down with so much force that a little bit of goo was launched onto the table.

“Because i listen buddy.” Shiro sighed wiping the tears from his eyes “After we formed voltron for the first time i tried to go talk to him since i was worried he hit his head or something and that was why he never spoke over the coms. He explained soon as i asked if he was alright.”

A realisation suddenly hit Keith. Never once did he actually ask Lance if he was ok despite worrying about him for a month, he hadn't even considered actually checking in with him to find out what was wrong.

Instead he had awkwardly trailed after him like some kind of lost puppy checking to see if he spoke with any of the other team mates.

“So he… cant talk at all?” Keith directed his question to Hunk assuming he would know but was met with a gentle glare “he’s not deaf you can ask him you know.”

Keith felt as though he could hit himself. Why did he never consider just asking Lance directly! Keith to his credit looked sheepish as he directed his attention to Lance who was now staring at him with arms crossed and an expression that just screamed ‘I'm waiting Mullet.’

“Y-you can't talk at all?” Keith asked unsure why his throat suddenly felt so dry or why Lance’s blue gaze seemed so piercing all of a sudden.

Lance didn't do anything for a moment before he shrugged and casually signed his reply to Hunk who hopefully translated fo him “yeah kinda. Same thing happened when Iverson screamed at me the first time, i usually just need to relax or get hurt. I broke my arm after tripping down a flight of stairs and bam i could talk again.”

Hunk’s Lance impression was really good, suggesting years of practice between the two.

“Any way i… i mean we can help.”

“You could learn sign language if you wanted. Save hunk having to be my go between.” Hunk wrapped a large arm around Lance’s shoulder “Ah buddy you know i don't mind helping you out.”

“If he did i could make some kind of translator that goes in out helmets, maybe even a text to speech device?” Pidge suggested.

She was huddled over her computer typing away and focusing so intently Keith assumed she wasn't listening.

“That sounds like a good idea, but Keith leaning sign language would be a good way for the two of you to bond.”

Shiro decided after that once a day Lance and Hunk would go through basic sign language while Pidge worked on a program that would automatically translate for them.

At first Coran and Allura watched from afar. Despite being told that there was nothing wrong with Lance they still needed some time to get used to the idea of one of their paladins being mute.

Eventually though Lance pulled them into the lessons and they picked it up surprisingly fast.

After a week everyone but Keith had the basics down.

Keith however was finding it frustratingly hard.

“I dont get why i can't do this!” keith yelled in frustration tossing aside the crudely made cheat sheet Lance had made for him.

It wasn't that keith was naturally good at everything, it was just that when it came to something practical he usually picked it up easily. Sign language in theory should have worked on the same idea as muscle memory.

However since he was still struggling with the alphabet Keith doubted it was that simple.

He stared at the sheet on the floor and the little doodle of a smiling face Lance had left in the corner.

Keith took in a deep breath, he was doing this for Lance.

“Patience yields focus.”

He picked up the sheet when a soft almost inaudible knock came from the other side of his door.

Keith almost wanted to ignore it, after all he was finally being patient so this should work now.

However after the last time Keith ignore a knock and found the mice angrily scratching at the floor later on he knew not to do it again.

He groaned as he slid off the bed and opened the door, only to find no one there.

That was until a soft mound fell against his legs pulling his attention down and to Lance.

It took Keith a moment to process what was going on before his brain finally seemed to realise something was actually wrong with lance this time.

Keith dropped to his knees pulling Lance’s face up to face him searching for some sign of injury.

“Lance, come on what's wrong?” Keith tried to keep the panic out of his voice, but it was hard while looking at his team mates face scrunched up in pain.

“Migraine”

Keith had almost forgotten what Lance had sounded like. At that moment he almost wished he could have forgotten it entirely.

It sounded so weak and fragile, so different to its owner that it seemed almost like a foreign entity rather then Lance admitting what was wrong.

“A migraine? How bad?”

Lance was silent this time burying his face into Keith's shirt and letting out a quiet whimper.

It was then that Keith remembered Lance explaining pain allowed him to talk again, this must be one hell of a migraine if it pulled him out of a month long silence.

Keith didn't need Lance to tell him he needed help. Coming to his room and admitting his pain was all Keith needed to know.

Carefully as not to jostle him too much Keith scooped Lance up into his arms and gently placed him on the bed.

He then got to work turning off the lights and laying a cool towel over Lance’s eyes.

The effect was instant, his muscle relaxed and a soft sigh escaped his lips.

Keith stood there awkwardly not sure what else to do, he had never had to look after someone with migraines before, he just did what he did for himself when he got one.

“I-i’ll get Shiro” Keith stammered heading for the door, but a hand reaching out blindly for him stopped him in his tracks.

“Stay… please…” Lance whispered.

Keith smiled as he took his hand and sat on the edge of the bed. “Ok, you just try to rest. I'll call Shiro later.

Lance replied with a small hum before his breathing evened out content to just lay there holding Keith's hand until the pain passed.

[allbeendonebefore]

So I’ve been really quiet around here lately and mostly have just been reblogging my friends’ stuff when they link it to me/answer asks and my queue has totally run out on this blog which is... very sad I guess but it’s also because I actually spend a lot less time on here in some ways

i just want to let you guys know that I am honestly doing better than I was last semester, I’ve settled in and even though Toronto is still giving me migraines (in the literal sense) I’ve been doing better in my classes, I’ve been seeing friends, I’ve been eating and drinking and all... and I’ve allowed myself once again to kind of start daydreaming about projects I want to do and whatever... I’ve been getting pretty introspective again about ‘who am i doing this for’ ‘is it for me or someone else’ ‘what is keeping me motivated’ ‘should i diversify my projects out and do more fan art again’ etc 

and I’m like... on the one hand ‘oh boy i can’t wait until school gets out and I can work on x’ but on the other hand i’m like HANG ON, i only have 18 months to access the Best Library in the Country and I HAVE to take advantage of that! It doesn’t have to be right the first time, I just have to start engaging with all the material so I can lock it in my brain instead of keeping it in my cheeks like a squirrel. I also have access to a lot of people all over the country (both in Toronto and outside) that I really owe a lot to and I want to acknowledge that somehow. (It’s ironic though since most of the people I meet are secretly from Alberta anyway lmao)

I’ve been thinking about how emotionally draining comics are to do and how I could potentially start doing Visual Essays instead or in addition to as sort of ‘crash courses’ in junk I am interested in with Reading Lists - I always make posts and forget to cite because I assume I’ll remember where I read them and having one thesis under my belt now?? yeah i don’t remember a damn thing from anywhere. Of course, I still try to be very colloquial online because I’m Very Sensitive about people taking advantage of my work and that’s part of the reasons I don’t always cite things but... idk it feels silly Not to when I am at heart trying to spread information that I think is neat (and trying to recall that information myself later).

I also put a LOT OF WORK into little one off gags or references that people don’t always get and I am Absolutely the sort of person who will explain a joke but only when asked so... maybe I should just do it automatically to be more accessible. I would like to have things with the right balance of words and pictures, of maps and links and reading suggestions, of gags and jokes where appropriate... but it’s a hard line to walk when you are trying to be Relatable(tm) to the people the information concerns but also trying to be Accessible to people it does not. It’s a line I was better at walking in AaSA when I was more comfortable with the information and I also had enough distance from it. It’s something I’m trying to learn to do again, but also incorporating stuff I’ve learned since. It’s been sort of refreshing to be able to talk about my experiences and perceptions in relatable ways, and it’s really nice when the universe validates some of those dumb headcanons and stereotypes when you least expect it. 

but yeah that’s a small update from me, sorry for being kind of AWOL on here. I’m in a bit of an art block lately but I’ll sort it out. I’ve got some boring law readings to do in the meantime so toodles for now! If you ever want to talk or ask a question, my ask is open. and i mean... i guess if you wanted you could email me if you have more to say in private but i dont know if ya dang kids use the Emails anymore lmao... but give me a shout if you’d like to? I actually check my email, haha, and tumblr has been eating my activity lately so i miss a lot.

[mental-health-advice]

during arguments i get caught up? Like a person can say once "i dont like cats" (terrible irrelevant example) but have previously said they like cats, then go on to say how much they like cats... and i will just assume they don't like cats? Even tho they said it once and have said the opposite a billion times. I WILL NOT move past it until they SPECIFY "yea i didnt mean that i only meant stray cats" even tho it SHOULD be obvious to me what was meant? Is that part of my bpd? Does it have a term?

Hi darling,

First of all, I think it’s really good that you’ve recognised what’s happening! That’s often a really difficult step, because it just happens so automatically. Sometimes we don’t even realise that this isn’t something other people don’t experience either until it’s called out by someone. So I just want to say well done for recognising and acknowledging this!

Please correct me if I’m getting this wrong, but it sounds like when you’re in an argument, you take everything that’s said very literally. Therefore if they didn’t specify that they only meant stray cats, you will not think of this specification, whether it’s implied by context or not. Does that sound like what’s happening? I haven’t heard of a term that would describe this, but I’m not a professional and I definitely am not all-knowing!

When you’re in an argument, you’re probably dealing with a lot of emotions. I’m assuming you’ve been diagnosed with BPD, please let me know if I’m assuming that incorrectly! When struggling with BPD, arguments can be really tough. Fear of abandonment can kick in and often very intense emotions will surface. When you’re dealing with such intense emotions, there’s little room left for anything else. So maybe that could explain why you don’t think of the specifications they might have implied. Whether or not it’s part of your BPD, I can imagine that it’s difficult for you!

Are you currently receiving any kind of treatment lovely? There’s a type of therapy that’s been proven to be very helpful for those struggling with BPD- namely DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy). We have a page explaining DBT here. I think it would be beneficial to at least look for a therapist, but preferably someone who can do DBT with you. There are a lot of skills to learn that can help you tons. Maybe this will also help with your struggles with arguments. If that isn’t the case, then it’s definitely something you can discuss with your therapist separately as well! You don’t have to be limited to one topic, you’re allowed to talk about anything bothering you. If you aren’t currently seeing a therapist, you can visit your GP / local doctor and explain to them briefly what’s been going on. They’ll be able to refer you. You can read more about getting help here. I hope this helped at least a little!

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard.

Keep fighting beautiful Love Pauline